In honor of our country’s 231st Birthday, I thought I would offer a bit of patriotic humor rather than attempt to wax poetic about the virtues of America. Don’t get me wrong, I love my country but I think our sense of humor is one of the things that makes this country great. These jokes are old as the hills and really corny but hopefully some of them will provide a little chuckle.
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
What’s red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the steps!
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
“I gotta get a softer saddle!”
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
What’s red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
What was General Washington’s favourite tree?
Which colonists told the most jokes?
What would you get if you crossed Washington’s home with nasty insects?
What did a patriot put on his dry skin?
What would you get if you crossed a dog with the Father of Our Country?
Who is a dogs favourite Founding Father?
What would you get if you crossed Jon with the English king in 1776?
King George the Nerd!
What dance was very popular in 1776?
Which one of Washington’s officers had the best sense of humour?
What is a hungry boys favourite picnic event?
The snack race!
“How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
“The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!”
What did Washington say as he crossed the Delaware?
“Next time I’m going to reserve a seat!”
Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?
Because his mom wouldn’t let him play with the chain saw!
Teacher: “The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia. True or false?”
Student: “False! It was written in ink!”
Why did Washington win the battle of Trenton?
Because the enemy soldiers were Hessian around!
What would you get if you crossed a monster with one of Washington’s officers?
Baron von Steupid!
What has four legs, a shiny nose, and fought for England?
Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer!
What march would you play at a jungle parade?
“Tarzan Stripes Forever”!
What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat?
A bigger target.
Why did the British soldiers wear red coats?
So they could hide in the tomatoes.
Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?
Because they’re both cracked!
Teacher: “Who wrote `Oh say, can you see?”‘
Student: “An eye doctor?”
How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!
What would you get if you crossed Patrick Henry with a hungry boy?
A patriot who says, “Give me lasagne or give me death!”
What has feathers, webbed feet, and certain inalienable rights?
The Ducklaration of Independence!
Why did the duck say “Bang!”?
Because he was a firequacker!
What cat said, “The British are coming! The British are coming!”?
What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.
What was Thomas Jefferson’s favourite dessert?
Teacher: “Which son of old Virginia wrote the Declaration of Independence?”
Student: “I think it was Thomas Jeffer’s son.”
What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!
Why were the early American settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.
What famous pig signed the Declaration of Independence?
What did George Washington say to his army at Valley Forge?
“Sorry, men. The flights to Florida are all booked up!”
What would you get if you crossed the American national bird with Snoopy?
A bald beagle!
What would you get if you crossed a colonial hairpiece with a teepee?
A powdered wigwam!
What’s red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic pickle!
What did the visitor say as he left the Statue of Liberty?
“Keep in torch!”
What’s big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
The Liberty Bellhop!
What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of ’76!
Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!
What would you get if you crossed a monster with Yankee Doodle?
What’s red, white, blue and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam!
Happy Birthday America!!!
And On the Knitting Front
Finished a pair of baby socks – Chevron Lace Baby Socks by Ann Budd at Interweave Press. With this pair, I tried my first picot edging, my first provisional cast on (crochet chain variety) and my first short row heel. I don’t know if it was the short row method that I used or just my lack of experience but my heel decreases did not come out as neat as the ones I have seen on various blogs. Will have to try it again using a slightly different technique. I like that there are no picked up stitches on this heel but I make a far neater heel flap style heel.
This was my only completed pair for June since I spent most of the month in Frog Pond. I must say that I am getting really good at frogging now – practically professional, assuming that someone would actually pay one to rip knitting. I have restarted the toe ups with different increases and am happy to report that the toes are no longer so pointed. I did half of the increases by increasing every row and then the other half increasing every other row. This made a nice rounded toe much more suitable to my foot. I have never seen a toe quite so pointed as the first one I did. For the record, I followed the pattern to the letter. If I had continued to decrease, I think it would have made a 90o angle. When I reworked it, I tried a different cast on – the Turkish cast on – which I like much better than the one that involved picking up stitches. I am sure that there is a name for this cast on but I haven’t a clue what it might be.
I have officially started Mystery Stole 3. If my knitting skills are up to the challenge this is going to be a gorgeous stole. Will post a photo later when I have the first clue complete. I should be able to make a bit of progress today since I have Hubby home to help run interference with the kids. I hope to have it complete before the next clue is published but I am taking it nice and slow since this is my first attempt with lace weight yarn.
I am still slogging along on my Indigo Ripples skirt. I have finally gotten it long enough to start the lace but I decided that I will take a little time and chart the instructions since the written instructions are a bit hard to follow. I hate patterns where one line of the instructions are for Row 1, 7, 27 and 36 but only on Thursdays. I suppose IK needed to save magazine space. Anyone have any idea where I can find knitter’s graph paper?
I did a little computer work for a friend and used my paycheck to do a bit of stash enhancement. I bought a pair of Addy lace needles for my MS3. This is a very nice needle – well balanced, not too heavy and not too light, a comfortable needle length and nice flexible cable in a lovely red color. I especially like that the needle size and length are printed on the cable. I really like the “grip” finish that they put on the needle. Really makes working with itty, bitty yarns easier. This is the only needle I have tried that is comparable to the Knit Picks needles that I so adore. The point is a bit blunter and the cable is a little less flexible than the Knit Picks. But for lace work, the KPs are just too slick for a novice lace knitter like me. The coating on the Addi lace needle is just perfect. The only complaint I have with the needle is that the cable is a little longer than I wanted but the LYS only had one length in the needle size I needed. This length will come in handy for triangular shawls.
While I was spending my mad money, I got beads for MS3, a couple of crochet hooks to add said bea, some Brown Sheep Cotton Fleece yarn for a tank top and some Panda Cotton yarn for another pair of socks. Got a great pattern too – Lily by Louet. My friend also gave me a bundle of stainless steel welding wire to use for lace blocking. Think I might see if anyone else wants to trade computer lessons for yarn!
Finally, to answer a couple of question that were asked in comments.
Kerry, I haven’t ripped Pomatomus yet. Haven’t had the heart because it was so pretty. I am fairly certain that I am going to run out of yarn before I can finish the second sock. I plan to rip back and shorten the leg of the first sock by one or two lace repeats. I think one will do it. Right now Pomatomus is on the back burner.
Diane, I have not been knitting a year yet – only about 9 months. I started knitting sometime last fall – around October when they start discounting fall colors. I arbitrarily chose Halloween as my knitting anniversary. Once I actually go the hang of knitting, it just seemed the most natural thing in the world. Now I rarely go a day without knitting at least a few rows. And I would like to know where they find all these 83 lb. 6 foot tall women to model this knitwear.
Anna, it is easy to complete 42 projects when most of them are dishcloths, bibs, burp cloths and socks. If you notice there was only one sweater in the bunch and it was sleeveless. I have a short attention span so I like to knit small projects – one of the reasons I like socks so much. And just so you know, I didn’t count each sock as a separate project. I only counted complete pairs.
Edna, thanks for your advice but the problem with the toe of my sock was that I was not increasing fast enough rather than I was increasing too fast. In order to get a rounded toe with the number of stitches cast on, I had to increase every row. Increasing every other row it what gave me those horrid points.
In honor of Independence Day, I am declaring my independence from house work and spending my day knitting. Happy July 4th. Enjoy the fireworks!!